Category: Pain
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I call YOU…!
Please come and hold my hand
As I walk this rocky road
My feet are stumbling as I carry
This unbearable load…
Eyes are welling up with tears
My breath feels heavy and rugged
Mind is full of doubts and fears
My state of mind is worried…
Heart feels weak and I don’t know
How will I fare this test
YOUR name I chant along
As I tread, forgetting all the rest…
Just YOU my Baba, my saviour, my guide
Can help me along this way
Please calm my unsettled mind
And hold me strong, for I sway…
I know YOU are there for sure
I know YOU won’t let me fall
Come, hold me in YOUR strong embrace
And make me strong and tall…
With YOU along I can brave the fears
With YOU I can pass this test
In YOUR light I can defeat this gloom
And put my anxiety to rest…
Waiting for YOUR light to shine
For YOUR strength to give me peace
Please come and hold me my SAI
I call YOU with every inch of me and piece!
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A promise to myself…!
My heart rebels,
Waging war against my mind.
A voice within screams,
Leaving reason far behind.Emotions rise,
Unruly, wild, untamed.
Desires burn,
And judgment fades in flame.This roaring voice within me grows,
Leaving me fragile, weak, and cold.
I fight against its endless pull,
Seeking strength in whispers bold.I swore I’d never walk that road,
Yet my heart still leads me there.
The echoes of the past grip tight,
I scream, but they still linger near.I draw myself a little closer,
Wrapping my heart in a gentle embrace.
“I won’t let you get hurt again,” I whisper,
As I wipe the tears from my face. -
Trapped…!
It’s such a day today when my mind’s on various things
It doesn’t seem to find it’s rest
Different thoughts come rushing by
My patience they seem to test!
I find it hard not to yell
To tell them to leave me alone
They continue to plague my mind
Their burden on my face gets shown!
My mind keeps repeating words
Both, happy and sad memories
It seems like a roller coaster
My emotions playing a game with me!
Visions of those by gone days
Project in front of me
I question my innocent heart
When will you of them be free?
Why me! Why do I think of things?
I want to let go all of them and be free
But my mind seems to think otherwise
And doesn’t let me be!
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Grief…!
The gush of grief came upon me
Before I knew it had me engulfed
Trapped in my misery so terribly
I was left so scared as a result!
My own sighs seemed surprising
I didn’t know I could reach this spot
The tears flowing incessantly
Had me thinking how I reached this rot!
Breathing was hard between my sobs
My heart felt crushed with pain
Every gasp seemed a plea for life
But nonetheless – it was in vain!
No way looked worthy
No one seemed to care
No helping hand, held out
The world kept moving
All around me
No one seemed to bother
That I was left out!
The gloom hit hard
Nothing seemed good
Even my shadow seemed to have left my side
The dream that someone will care to stop
Seemed so silly and hurt me deep inside!
The grief surrounded me from all directions
There seemed no possible escape
The burden of my thoughts was so much
Taking even a step had me precipitate!
The high tides overpowered me
I tried, but then gave up
This grief will have me down
Till I muster the strength to swim back up!
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My own voice…!
I tried not to hear
But the voice was loud
I tried to shut it out
But could still hear what it was all about
It was all about me –
Why I don’t have what I want
Why I don’t deserve
Why pains are there to hauntIt laughed at me and made me cry
Didn’t bother to stop, even when it saw me sigh
It was cruel and sharp like a knife
It gave me wounds that’ll last a lifeI couldn’t handle but it carried on
I wanted to run but as if frozen –
My feet stayed glued at the spot
As if the ridicule I had chosen!With no one around me I had to accept
The voice was no one else but my own thoughts
All the torment of previous years
Found words blaming me for my rotWish I been more considerate of my heart
And would’ve thought of protecting myself
Had I not given in to their cunning art
And not ran the race to prove myselfYes, it was correct, and I was wrong
What did I achieve by this demeanour!
The lost years, the wasted joys
Mind full of all possible fearsI pleaded and begged my heart
Be kind to me as it has been to thee
It pleaded me in return
“Break the confining norms
Try to listen to me and to be free”! -
Standing in the shadows…!
I stood there totally unnoticed
While my world slipped away
What strength I showed to be there
How much I had to pray…!
I wanted you to look my way
And realise my love
To hear you call my name just once
Was my wish all above…!
I hoped for things to change their course
What was happening wasn’t right
It was, as if, I was in the midst of a storm
All I could do, was to hold on tight
My heart raced and seemed to explode
Why wasn’t anyone able to hear
The horrendous sound which it was making
My gosh, it was too much to bear…!
Merry words, songs, and dance
Drinks, cheer and smiles
You looked – so, very happy
I shivered there in the aisles…!
How I managed to curve my lips
With my eyes still full of tears
I didn’t want to show me weak
“I’ll cry” – was my biggest fear…!
None there saw my face
No one could make out my exhaustion
Once I was done with plesantries
I retired in my isolation…!
As I looked back I had silently hoped
Atleast then you will ask me to stay
But no, it was not to be
For you hardly looked my way…!
What made me think it was for me
What gave me such false hope
Who was to blame for my broken heart
Why wasn’t I taught how to cope…!
I didn’t know what happened then
For days I hardly tended to self
Though years have passed since
I doubt I have still mended myself…!
What haunts me even now is
Why did you come my way
If you never to be mine
Why my heart had to betray…!
Standing in the shadows then
And watching all the mirth
Robbed me of my smile
Made me doubt my self-worth…!
Standing in the shadows then
And watching me being overlooked
On my tender soul
A very heavy toll it took…!
Standing in the shadows then
And watching you chose otherwise
Broke my heart into zillions
My silly dreams I had despised…!
Standing in the shadows then
And watching those who were mine
Leaving me with daggers
Yet expecting me to be fine…!
Want to leave those shadows behind
Want to disassociate from the pain
For they shouldn’t define me
Why do I need to refrain…!
I am open to my smiles again
No more of this game for me
I am no longer an option
Standing in the shadows – no, not anymore for me…!
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Probably, silence…!
Last night when I dreamt of you
As usual I wanted to tell you all
In my heightened exuberance
Of our silence I had no recall
It hit me like a wave –
Ceased me, & totally knocked me out
Was I never meaningful to you!
Slithering in came all the recurring doubts
How things changed, how we drifted
You said we were the best of pals
I thought it was my safe heaven
Then what happened has no rationale
My heart is shattered you know
Ego too stands in the way
Want to run back to what we had
But how to make my heart feel okay!
Wish it was easy to fight and ask
To say my words and hear you too
Even when we didn’t agree –
How could you distance me from you!
Questions will remain and I will retreat
For I don’t think I can make me say
It’s better to dwell and continue to pose
Than to exhibit me all sad and frail!
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These walls…!
These walls that I’ve built, aren’t what I wished for
Within which I am hiding, with my wounds sore
Will these walls protect me from any further hurt?
I hope the next pain comes only after an alert!
Thought you were someone with whom I’ll share
Thought you were someone who truly cares
But you actually forced me into building these tough walls
The pain which you gave, was actually – the biggest of all
These walls are comforting in a peculiar way
Atleast they don’t change colours every single day
Brick by brick for my sanity
Will this wall help me get some clarity?!
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Fight the pain…!
Your pain can make you tough or it can make you tremble
Your tears can get you going or hold you in deep shambles
Your agony can fire you or make you weep like a baby
Your past can keep you chained with in your thought a “maybe”
Don’t let your fears rule you
Find a way to fight those blues
Nowhere but forward, you tread
Don’t give up, be a fighter instead!
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No answer to my whys…!
I saw you there – when you were rushing by
You looked at me and let out a sigh
At first you tried to walk away
But then you turned and came my way
You looked hurt and I know I did wrong
You were angry that I wasn’t strong
Still, you lovingly stroked my hair
I nearly choked for that gasp of air
Tears brimming my eyes I asked how you were
No words, your finger on my cheek lingered
Then you asked – “Wasn’t I your choice?”
“Why weren’t you strong”, you asked in a muffled voice…
My tears by now had smeared my face
I said I was sorry for my fearful ways
You shook your head in exasperation
While still holding my face in desperation
Suddenly then your poise you regained
When you backed off, I almost exploded in pain
“Please don’t go”, I cried out with scare
Not in my senses, of my surroundings I wasn’t aware
The disappointment in your eyes, the defeated look
“You could’ve been mine”, were your words as a step away you took
As if frozen, I saw your retreat
I was to blame for this shattering defeat
You tried to hide those tears of pain
“Take care” you said in a very weak strain
I saw you leave, turning every now and then
Don’t know how long, not sure till when
I stood there with tears flowing by
With no reason, no answer to my whys…
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Mourning…!
My life is still, I don’t feel a thing
With you gone, for me there’s nothing
Heart’s so numb, no song to sing
This sudden blow, snatched away everything
Life’s unfair and I feel robbed
Uncontrollably, I have sobbed
All my dreams now feel shattered
Heart is ripped and totally battered
There’s no hope that I’ll see you again
This horrid fact won’t leave me sane
In your memories forever chained
I’ll call for you as eyes will rain
Nowhere that I’ll get respite
No soothing touch to ease my fright
Your face is nowhere in my sight
I want to run into your light
Thorns of memories prick me hard
Your chapter I should now discard
Forever hurt and totally scarred
I’ll miss your care and constant guard
I’ll long for you to call my name
I’ll cling to you with no speck of shame
Just come back once, rise up to life
Or hand me too a blade or knife
Take me along as you pass the shore
I won’t ask for anything more
Without you in this world what holds
Even if it shines as gold
No, I don’t accept this fact of destiny
It all appears to be only a felony
How will I ever in life’s game fare
Wish it all turns out to be just a nightmare
Leave me alone to mourn oh world
Me, myself in his memories curled
Don’t call, don’t come, don’t bother for me
For now what more can happen you see!
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I’ll live anyhow…
No thump, no thud, no click of key
You left me just so silently
No caution or a goodbye too
Now tell me what am I supposed to do?
How to fill this void and carry on
What is left of me is sad and lone
World will carry on as nothing left
Though I’ve lost all and feel bereft
This anger inside growing strong
Nothing in place, all seems so wrong
I feel as if I am walking in sleep
Not my life, in other territory I creep
Where to look for you and set things right
Oh come back- promise I won’t fight
Let me atleast convey to you
How much my dear, I still love You
Didn’t know I won’t get another chance
I detest this tragic circumstance
I just want to have another glance
Are you really gone or am I in trance?
I wasn’t ready to deal with this
What on earth I did to deserve the amiss
To breathe, seems a heavy task
To live, I will need a mask
For I too died when you chose to go
Leaving my life in this utter furore
Bless me from where you’re now
With your memories, I’ll live anyhow!
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There is so much of you in me…!
No respite for me far from you
Tears fall on my cheeks
Like on petals drops of dew
Friends call me a freak
As I still long for you
From your thoughts I am not free
Foolish like me must be few
Reality who cant see!
Memories of us together
Feel of your embrace
In my heart will stay forever
I still long to see your face
That smile of yours moreover
Fills cheer in my sulky days
Tiny fragments of us I remember
Which leave me in a constant daze
Frantically around me I look
Your voice in me like a chime
You fill most of my life’s book
I’m woven with you through time
This task to separate I undertook
But your actions I still mime
Looking at my reflection I shook
Staring at me were you the most prime!
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Tears & Rage…!
I fail to understand the logic behind
Any reason I just fail to find
Of why the atrocities were done
Of why lives were snatched for fun
Dreams were crashed, hearts were broken
Homes were ruined, spirits were shaken
Irreparable damage done to them
There is no limit to condemn
Taken by a sheer surprise
Outlawed they became overnight
Where to go and whom to ask
Just breathing seemed a herculean task
With prayers and their pride intact
When mind was bereft of any tact
To breathe became the sole objective
Survival was the only motive
Families got shattered and torn apart
Many loved ones made to depart
Lives lost were just a thing
Dreams got tattered in a blink
Friends turned away, insults were meted
Those cruel hearts hardly fretted
Seeing famished children, mothers said
“How to feed them a little bread?!”
Mercilessly and with no shame
Lives were taken on an excuse lame
Men, women, young or old
Who to ask, what support to hold!
Just agonizing cries around
Before they too got in pain drowned
Why did no one bother I wonder?
Why did God allow this blunder?
On just reading about these horrid facts
When my heart in a such a way reacts
How would had they endured it all?
I only look back entirely appalled
Who’s accountable for those who perished?
Were they even sufficiently punished?
Each molecule in me is in a rage
Thinking how they lived in that horrid cage
With questions so many I only whine
Any reason for this my heart declines
Wondering what was the design behind
I only want few answers to find!
Humans are meant to love and care
Then how can someone show such dare
Of plotting such a massacre
In God’s court how did he fare!
When will we all understand
Best religion is to offer a helping hand
Stop the killings in the name of God
By shedding blood you’ll never earn HIS nod
Let’s not forget, let’s remember always
The sacrifices by those millions made
Let’s keep the fire burning within
To build a world free of such sins!
Sonal's Poems 