In this space, I write not to explain life, but to explore it. Pause with me, linger between the lines, and perhaps you’ll discover a piece of your own story here too. 🙂
I wonder when I think of you
What made you do what you did
I self-doubt and always brood
Was I wrong or were we always a misfit
Sometimes I think I took you too seriously
When all you wanted was frivolous laugh
Didn’t want you just for fun sadly
I had in mind a serious draft
Whether I was wrong or you had a part too
I do miss our time my friend
A soul connection is what I felt with you
And wish you realise it too at some bend…!
These walls that I’ve built, aren’t what I wished for
Within which I am hiding, with my wounds sore
Will these walls protect me from any further hurt?
I hope the next pain comes only after an alert!
Thought you were someone with whom I’ll share
Thought you were someone who truly cares
But you actually forced me into building these tough walls
The pain which you gave, was actually – the biggest of all
These walls are comforting in a peculiar way
Atleast they don’t change colours every single day
Brick by brick for my sanity
Will this wall help me get some clarity?!
I don’t know how I forget
How always you behaved so curt
Why on earth do I let myself
Go back to the same hurt!
I wonder what made me forget
Those things that I’d heard
Then how on earth do I let myself
Go back to the same hurt!
I must be crazy to forget
Your selfish deeds and words
Really silly of me I know
To go back to the same hurt!
Why did I think you’ve changed
Why did I expect a U-turn
Must be truly crazy of me
To get back to the same hurt!
How long till I learn my lesson
How long till I give up
Why don’t I learn to discount you
And stop going back to the same hurt!
Gradually you’re also improving
As each time you outdo your worse
Still, like a mad person that I am
I land myself in the same hurt!
High time I give up on you
High time I understand my worth
High time I do whatever is needed
And stop going back to the same hurt!
Sometimes out of courtesy
Other times due to my soft heart
Even, because I don’t know
This horrible, hurtful art
I’ve given enough second chances
Enough excuses to your erratic self
No more, I’ll keep reminding myself
Just STOP – going back to the same hurt!
I am always happy for you, then how come you’re not for me?
I am always genuine with you, then how come you’re so fake to see?
I always offer you full support, but where are you in my need?
I give you my loyalty, then why do you not give it back to me?
I’ve always been a true friend, your lies but have cheated me!
I’ve always had your back, your actions but have blemished me!
I’ve wished you well from the heart, but you’re caught demeaning me!
I’ve been your true friend, your friendship but has hypocrisy!
I get hurt and feel so sad
Yet nothing which I can do frankly
Can wish that you never receive
Friendship filled with disloyalty!
I saw you there – when you were rushing by
You looked at me and let out a sigh
At first you tried to walk away
But then you turned and came my way
You looked hurt and I know I did wrong
You were angry that I wasn’t strong
Still, you lovingly stroked my hair
I nearly choked for that gasp of air
Tears brimming my eyes I asked how you were
No words, your finger on my cheek lingered
Then you asked – “Wasn’t I your choice?”
“Why weren’t you strong”, you asked in a muffled voice…
My tears by now had smeared my face
I said I was sorry for my fearful ways
You shook your head in exasperation
While still holding my face in desperation
Suddenly then your poise you regained
When you backed off, I almost exploded in pain
“Please don’t go”, I cried out with scare
Not in my senses, of my surroundings I wasn’t aware
The disappointment in your eyes, the defeated look
“You could’ve been mine”, were your words as a step away you took
As if frozen, I saw your retreat
I was to blame for this shattering defeat
You tried to hide those tears of pain
“Take care” you said in a very weak strain
I saw you leave, turning every now and then
Don’t know how long, not sure till when
I stood there with tears flowing by
With no reason, no answer to my whys…
That last time when we spoke at length – just me and you
Throats were choked, eyes were wet, spoken words were few
Hearts heavy with the tough call that we had decided to make
Yes, we needed to part ways, for everyone’s sake
Clasping hands as tight as we could for that one last time
Tears flowing seamlessly, the whole thing seemed a crime
None wanted to be the first to end the final meeting
I am sure if there was a passerby, he could hear our hearts beating
“How will I live my life now”, the question wanted to be out
But for the sake of the other, we both decided not to shout
No more real smiles, no more real joy
Duties and responsibilities – what will be left to enjoy
Don’t know how you fared, I became a no one truly
Just waiting to be the same me, which only you knew really
Times change and people too
Those who don’t are very few
Words gets lost and promises broken
A stillness – remains unspoken
Vague vacuum lingers on
To a dullness, you feel strongly drawn
Reminiscing on the bygone days
Till when you finally parted ways
Living life like a dream at times
Missing that, with you who rhymed
Feeling strong the strain within
The anguishing pain becomes a twin
Grey clouds always shroud your sky
Uproar within of what and why
Come to fore to disturb the peace
Perplexing you on how to cease
The restless mind needs to be aware
This pointless agony will lead nowhere
I was a fool to think that I belong
To consider this as our song
But not one, I got many signs
That – you’re not mine
Hearts afar, across the shore
I don’t want to try any more
Our stars were never aligned
The fact is that you’re not mine
Now or ever I don’t plan to stay
Only plan to keep away
Any offer from you, I plan to decline
Because – you’re not mine
Been and seen what was there to see
Now, just want to be free
From the clutches and fate’s design
I resign, ‘coz you’re not mine
Give and take – have done it all
Heard clearly this deafening call
The final rejection is utterly divine
Yes, you never were mine!
Ripped heart, tear-stained face
I am tired, want to slow down my pace
Exhausted soul, achy limbs
Want to rest, had many turbulent swims
Been swarmed with pains, now no more
Peacefully I want to reach the shore
Achieved enough, and yet this void
Those feelings of which I feel devoid
Still entice me from time to time
But will be wrong if I start to mime
Same actions which I did in past
Results of which, did not last
So better to accept what isn’t there
Why to strive to get that share
Which wasn’t probably meant for me
Should help myself, by letting me free
From the clutches of those painful wants
Let me write my story in different fonts
Accepting the artist of my fate as me
I’ll paint a lively picture to see
I’ll soar above the pain of past
Rising above those shadows cast
Welcoming whatever lies ahead
On this path now I’ll tread
You always just told me what I am not
Never appreciated what I’ve got
I kept on trying to prove my worth
Precious years of life now seem wasted as dirt
Compromising what was important to me
I tried to be what you wanted me to be
Knowing otherwise, but still agreeing with you
Just to get some peace in lieu
Fighting with self many a times
To make you happy I tried to mime
Compromised with values close to my heart
Gradually from myself I grew apart
Losing my self-worth happened with time
Emotions became super sublime
Angry at the world, angry at my God
I only worked towards getting your nod
No meaning was there till I realized
For whose peace did I sacrifice?
When those whom I thought I am trying to please
Are still thinking that I did nothing supreme!
Woken from a dream with a strong jolt
I have to put those, behind a bolt
Not to let them steal anymore
My smile, my peace, my life – like before
Need to restart, I know it will take me long
– Before I can write a new life song
Bit by bit, piece by piece
I will ultimately find my peace
No matter what it takes, how tough it will be
I will regain my self-esteem eventually
No more trying hard to be the good one
After all, to prove me wrong was your fun!
So even while parting I’ll give, not take
Let you be a martyr for your happiness’ sake
I choose my peace above proving to be good
For I know I’ve tried as best as I could…
Who am I to you please tell me
If no one, then let me be free
My fragile state, can’t you see?
Tears in heart, on face – a false glee
Shown down, broken apart
Shred into pieces, my timid heart
Now no more, I have no strength
To continue like this, another length
So, let me know what you see for us
A life apart, for one without this fuss!
Tired of playing my part
Life seems to be falling apart
No fun in my stride
No joy in my smile
I don’t know how to learn this art
Never felt so lonely and aghast
It feels so tough to carry on
This pain in my heart for long borne
Want to keep it aside and rest for a while
Before I continue on this arduous mile
As I look around to find true friends
I see only masks, to fakeness no end
With whom to have a genuine talk?
Whose words are there without a mock?
Jealousy, treachery and beguiled minds
Honesty and loyalty and such tough finds
Tired of dealing with so many such
Want to retire, no other desire much
Have learnt that it is up to me
To copy them, or let it be
Have to learn to live lonely
‘Coz for such like me, there’s God only!
Today I saw something which reminded me of you
Floating came your memories, as fresh as moments new
Heart winced in pain as I tried to smile along
Soul yearned for you, mindlessly singing your song
Looking around for you, knowing you’re not there
What bigger evidence of my misery than this can be there
Missing you everyday, thinking of you each second
I am nowhere in your thoughts, I can easily reckon!
Carrying on along, trying to forget you
Holding back my tears, sometimes letting them escape too
Holding on to my heart which holds your memories precious
I am setting myself again onto this cycle vicious
Where do these tears come from as I sit doing nothing
Why when I try to relax, mind starts to think the same thing
What is this sadness which creeps in?
What is this pain hidden so deep within?
Nothing to single out which is there amiss
Yet there is something more which this heart does wish
I say – “all that is there is good”
But this silly heart hums what “should” and “could”
In this struggle between me and my heart
There is a lot of cajoling and a lot of art
“Why didn’t you bother about me” questions my heart
“You allowed people to trample over me” blames me my heart
As I try to pacify this silly heart and reason with it
I live the past pain again, bit by bit
“For how long will you haunt me”, I question the pain
Will I ever sit peacefully without these tears to rain?!
This sadness doesn’t leave me,
Heart seems to be brimming with it
These tears don’t stop,
Eyes seem to shed them bit by bit
Smile is fading day by day,
As you’re not in sight
I am falling very weak,
Without your hug so tight
With you not around to pep me up,
My mood doesn’t get any better
Longing to hear your voice,
For me and you to be together
Had not envisaged a life without you,
It hurts to live this way
How much it pains my heart,
I don’t even want to say
Living with this pain every moment
I try to look for a reason
Probably after this pain to endure
There will be a happy season
As I am here alone, in this very strange land
I can’t stop wondering, how you let go of my hand
As I walk through these solitary roads, I can’t stop to think
How completely and entirely, my life changed in a blink
Before I could realize, you were gone too far
Before I could call out, I was put behind the bar
Before I could tell you, my words were silenced
Before I could cry out, my sobs were quietened
I miss you everyday, I cry for you even today
Too hurt, too broken, yet I wait for you to return my way
You will never forsake, you used to say to me
And now you choose to stay away, tell me – do you feel free?
Where is that love, where is that care?
Where is that worry that you had, about my how and where?
The world seem to mock, at the very love you said will do us proud
At your intentions, every mystery right now shrouds
Come on and show some strength, I can’t seem to hold on any longer
Step forward and hold my hand, before its too late for the bother
Shred the pretense, shun the act and do what is needed
To prove your love for which you had, once very fondly pleaded
Come back and claim, which is even now only yours
Come back and sing along the melody for my cures
With every living breath, I will await your return
With the desire to reunite, every second I’ll burn!
I wonder sometimes how people bahave
To get this understanding my mind craves
Good you do and instead they cheat
Use you to limits and badly they treat
Do they think you can’t understand
Can’t see through the strategies that they’ve planned
Consider you to be fools and themselves smart
Oh please! We can read through your craft
Why is it that those who are “friends”
Hurt you the most and reach no end
To show you down and make fun of you
Even when the best for them you do
To show care and love in today’s world
Is to have your emotions ruthlessly hurled
For those who show fuss and tantrums
Are celebrated with praises and anthems!
Hard it is to accept this fact
That you need to learn to handle this tact
To survive in today’s ruthless world
Else you’ll continue to be mercilessly hurled
Keeping one’s sanity in this crazy time
No, I am not saying this just to whine
A heartfelt cry it is of many, not one
In breaking hearts there is no fun!
But don’t want to lose what I have within
In behaving like them, I will not win
No I will not let you change my soul
Though my shattered heart will never be the same whole
I will distance and stay away
Will not let you lead me again astray
But forever you will lose a true friend
There’ll never be US – ever again!
I want to silence your thoughts in my mind
My relation with you is one of its kind
I want to hate and yet there is love
Your thoughts I just can’t seem to shove
There is so much pain with you around
Yet my heart elates when you’re found
Towards you my steps get bound
Yet I want to elope far from your ground
Why all paths lead me towards your way
When all I want to do is run far away
Where there will be no sign of you
Only me and my broken pieces to sew
Strange is this fate, its beyond my grasp
My connection with you I want to unclasp
But when I try to do just that
Destiny brings me to another combat
Don’t know how many debts to pay off
I wonder what I ever did so rough
That with so much bygone there is still more left
With each passing moment I feel more bereft
Please tell me that now it’s enough
Our journey together has been only rough
So please let me know that you’ll soon leave me
From these clutches I can atlast be free
Too much of loss, only some to gain
More than anything this piercing pain
I can’t handle it even one bit more
Oh please let me drift to another shore
Tears stain my face yet I try to smile
Hurt and alone I am here on this mile
Yes it will hurt, yes, I will cry
But nothing in me wants to give it another try
Tried enough but not any longer
No matter what, I can’t satiate your hunger
For I can never be what you want in life
So I have finally given up after all this strife
Let’s say goodbye, let’s bid adieu
Never to meet or to keep any clue
Of whereabouts, or how we’re doing-
Without our togetherness any longer brewing
Sonal's Poems 